Primates Fear Backlash


A 55-year-old woman was allegedly assaulted by her friend's roommate Wednesday. Doctors listed Charla Nash's condition as critical.

The alleged assault occurred shortly after Nash entered the residence of her friend, Sandra Herold. Herold's roommate, Travis, allegedly confronted Nash shortly after she entered the residence. The nature of the disagreement is uncertain, but the confrontation quickly escalated, according to police.

Police were called to the scene and, in the ensuing conflagration, shot Travis. Travis suffered fatal wounds and was later declared dead by medics at the scene.

Police refused to identify the race, ethnicity or species of Travis. The motive is under investigation, according to a police spokesman. However, a spokesman for CAAR (Congress for American-Ape Relations) feared an unwarranted anti-ape backlash.

"I fear that many people not familiar with the primate culture will use this incident as an excuse to further alienate and demonize the primate community," said Moko Zimbabwe, CAAR spokeswoman. "It is important that the upright-walking ape community understand that this is an isolated incident and that we should not rush to judgment until all the facts are in," she added.

While police are not yet categorizing the assault as a hate-crime, sources at the scene describe aspects of the assault as not unlike those of fundamentalist primates.

Primate expert, Noam Chimpsky, observed that, "this is not completely unusual in the more conservative enclaves of primate society."

Several citizens were held behind police barricades, protesting the extreme response of the police.

"They just showed up and shot Travis dead," said Missy Teethie, a neighbor. "They didn't even talk to him or offer him a banana or nothing. They just shoot, shoot, shoot. I know Ms Herold and she is a nice woman and her Travis was always nice to her, too."

Chief of Police, Rod Blagoranutan, said that while the police at the scene appeared to have followed appropriate procedures, "I am ordering a complete investigation of this incident to make sure all actions taken were appropriate and within the guidelines of established policy."

When contacted by reporters, Koko, a primate familiar with Travis's fundamentalist faction of the primate community, signed that she would like an orange.

['Noam Chimpsky' - that's funny]


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